Dec 24th

We had the nativity plays in church this morning.  And the children put on a great show.  They were funny and sweet and sang their little hearts out.   The whole church was proud of them - parents and grandparents, and those who had no children involved but are part of the family of the church.  We listened to the Christmas story and heard ' I'll give God me this Christmas, Im the best gift I can give'  We watched our gymnast flip and leap across the stage and our teenagers sing and dance.   We sang carols and prayed for persecuted Christians around the world.  And then we finished up with coffee and chocolate doughnuts and mince pies!   It was a lovely, festive, celebration.

And so Christmas 2012 is upon us.  The world didnt end on Friday, so there's no excuse!!  Its time to put the final touches to the presents, get that turkey sorted out and crack open a bottle of something (and perhaps sneakily open a box of chocolate something) as we flop exhausted into bed and wait for Santa to arrive.

It's not like the TV adverts.  At least not in our house.  Christmas lunch does not consist of three sorts of roast bird and six dozen types of veg and flaming homemade Christmas pudding ( except that this year it might cos Emma sent me one of her homemade puddings for Christmas - hooray!!!  thanks doll)  We dont all sit down and play a board game after lunch or go out for a bracing walk.   There wont be any snow. We wont be eating Ferrero Rocher and drinking champagne. :-)
The pressures on us to make it like this are ridiculous.   Resist the pressures.   Do what makes Christmas meaningful and enjoyable for you.  You and your family or just you yourself.

I have been blessed and amazed and humbled this year by how many people have told me they have read this blog and enjoyed/ been challenged/ felt in some way helped by it.  Thank you so much for reading.  Thanks for all your positive comments.  Im so happy if something I have said here has struck a chord.   The depression blog certainly did.  So many of you are in a similar boat and I wish you every blessing as you negotiate your own way through the fog.

We approach a New Year. For many of us 2012 hasn't been great and we shall be glad to leave it behind.  For others this has been a lovely year full of good things and many blessings.  If I have learned anything in my 46 years on the planet it is that life moves in seasons, that nothing lasts forever and that there is a bigger picture.  God loves us.  Passionately and totally.  He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him.  Sometimes we cant see it and we just have to trust.

Lord, thank you for Your wonderful and extravagant love expressed in the birth life and death of Jesus Your precious only Son.  Thank you for all the blessings and trials of this past year.  As I approach the next one would you hold my hand more tightly, speak to me more clearly and constantly infuse me with the knowledge that I am loved.  Bless me Lord and bless all who are dear to me. Protect us and keep us from harm. 
Oh, and Lord,
Happy birthday !

Dec 23rd

Luke 2:8-11

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah,the Lord.

Ever wondered why the first people to hear the news of the birth of the Messiah were shepherds?   Or technically more accurately homeless people.   They were living in the fields.  Very poor people living a nomadic existence with their scrawny scraggly sheep scratching a living from the sparse ground and moving with the sheep to find grazing wherever they could.   They probably weren't  at all educated, they possibly rarely visited the synagogue.  They were the very bottom of the heap.   But God chose to announce the arrival of the Messiah to these few  lowly vagabond nobodies.  And not just with an angel looking like a person trotting up and telling then the news.  But with glory and singing and multitudes and a terrifying light display which must have seemed like the end of the world or something.

Why?   Why them?

Well, Im guessing here..... but maybe because God knew they would believe it.   These simple souls with little theology or education or expectation to get in the way believed what they were told.   

And maybe because God loves the simple, uneducated, homeless wanderers.  The disadvantaged poor.   maybe they were the ones for whom He came in the first place and He wanted them to be the first to hear.    Yes, of course the news was for the whole world  ' joy for all the people'.   But it seems that the joy starts with the downtrodden and ripples its way out to ' all the people' from that starting point.     An unmarried girl, some shepherds, some fishermen and tax collectors, some prostitutes and women.... and then gradually to people like Nicodemus and Paul and the Roman Centurion.    Yes, there were wise men who brought expensive gifts and who had access to the court of King Herod.  And they were there to represent the other end of the spectrum of humanity I suppose.    But it was the shepherds who got there first and who were the first to recognise that the ordinary looking baby boy in the feeding trough was the Messiah.

Let us never say that God can't speak to us. Won't use us. That we are nobody and He will pass over us in favour of someone more eloquent or educated or qualified.    That's not how God works. 

 “I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.  ( Is 57 15)

Lord sometimes I count myself out.  I disqualify myself and think Im not good enough.  I think you will speak to someone better than me, use someone more mature than I am.  What do I have that you could possibly use or want or need?    Forgive me Lord when I think like this.  Thank you that you are a God who speaks to shepherds and kings, who uses children and prophets, who sets up world leaders but knows how many hairs are on my head.   God you are amazing and wonderful and I want to thank you that I dont need to be anything other than the person you have made me to be.

Dec 22nd Giving

A friend of mine has just taken delivery of a new guitar.    Not just any guitar.  This one was hand built for her.  She went to choose the piece of wood from which it was to be carved.  It has been designed and made to her exact specification and she has paid a fortune for it.   But she is over the moon now that she finally has it in her hands after months of waiting.   Its like a new baby.

I made some comment on her facebook page about it not becoming an idol -  I was joking.  Karen is a worship leader and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that her new guitar will be used to lead people into Gods presence and to worship Him for years, maybe decades to come.
But it did get me thinking   - what would Karen do if God just told her to give her new guitar to someone?   This new pride and joy.   The thing for which she has saved up and then helped design and waited patiently for.   This once in a lifetime extravagant gift to herself.    What if God said '  OK Karen, time to give it away' ?

Have you ever been challenged to give something?   I dont mean christmas and birthday presents or passing on something we no longer need.   I mean have you ever felt a prompting to give what you could not afford.  Give away something very very precious to you?   Give when you really could have done with being on the receiving end yourself??     I have.   And I know a few others who have too.

Just the other week I stumbled into a conversation with a couple in church.  I know they are struggling financially and have been for a while.   Life is very tight for them and they have to go without things which most of us would take for granted.  The do their own household repairs cos they cant afford to get anyone in to do them...... they drive an old car and when it needs to be fixed its always a pressure.    But they have a strong and amazing faith and have seen God provide for them time after time in amazing ways.   Last week they felt God had told them to give a financial gift to someone else in church.    I have no idea how much it was - but I know that however much they probably couldnt afford it.  They were joyful in the giving - excited and delighted at the thought that they would be blessing someone else.   Wonderful stuff

Jesus loves the attitude which understands that everything we have comes from God and therefore we can give freely knowing and trusting that He will supply all our needs.   The widow's mite was more valuable than the thousands given by those to whom it made no difference.

God knows what it is like to give the most precious and valuable thing He had.   His own son.
Karen might find it very hard to give away her guitar if God asked her to - but I know her and she would probably do it.   Were God to ask her to give away her only son............  well that would be a different story.  Her son was a miracle baby who came after years of trying to conceive.  He is an adult now,   he has brought her much joy.   Would she be able to give him up if God asked her to?   Like Abraham would I be able to lay Sam or Josh or Ben on the altar and say ' God, you do what you want to do with him'?
Theoretically we can all say that our children are a gift from God and that they are His.   But in reality........

And yet this is what God does for us. He gives us a gift.  The most valuable and precious, unique and prized gift He could possibly give.  The gift of His own son.   So that we could know who God is and what He is like, so that we could be forgiven of our sins, fall in love with Him be adopted by Him and be called His sons and daughters too.


Lord, this Christmas as we give and receive gifts please help our giving not to be superficial and worthless.  Help us to listen to You and follow your promptings so that we might give what is truly required.   Help us to see the needs around us and respond.   You are a giving loving God.  We want to be more like you.  Thank you for the most precious and costly gift of all - your son Jesus.  As we look at our own children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews this Christmas may we be ever more grateful at the depth of Your love for us.

Dec 21st

Reading Luke chapter 2.   Hardly need to read it really because it is that passage which is so well known that most of us could recite it in our sleep

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out.........and she brought forth her first born son, and wrapped him in swaddling bands......now there were in the same country shepherds.......

I find it hard to read this chapter and not just skim over it with eyes glazed.   Familiarity breeds contempt  etc.  We know what is coming next.  We have heard it before so many times... so today I am going to do my best to read with fresh eyes and see what new thoughts might come.

Decree to all the world.  ALL?  Even if this means all the Roman world we are still talking a humungous enormous gigiantic operation.   Estimates say that when Jesus was born the Roman empire probably encompassed around 50 million people.  ( 20% of the world's population) and of those around half lived in the countryside outside major cities.

So when Joseph and Mary upped sticks to go to be registered there were 25 million people on the move.  What an astonishing and amazing upheaval.   Obviously they werent all on the roads at the same time in the same countries going to the same places.........but nevertheless it must have been somewhat chaotic.
Nazareth to Bethlehem is 80 miles.    On a donkey.  With a very very pregnant Mary.   That is a long way.
Its London to Peterborough.  Which, if you walked it non stop you could do in 28 hours ( according to Google maps)   With a pregnant wife on a donkey it must have taken four or five days.  Maybe longer.

Ive been pregnant.  I found it hard to sit in the car for half an hour at the end of my pregnancies, let alone sit on a donkey on dirt tracks,  in bandit country, with no bed and breakfast booked for the night.  Nightmare.
And the thing is that Mary could probably have stayed at home.  I cant imagine that she actually needed to go at all.  Joseph was the one who needed to register.

But if he had gone - albeit he would have made faster progress and been back within the week - he would have missed the birth.   They must have known she was due any day.  Maybe she was ten days overdue like I was and the size of a house and having constant backache and twinges and braxton hicks contractions.   What discussions must have gone on beforehand ?  Did Mary plead to go with him because she didnt want to be apart from Joseph.   Or did she plead to be left at home and he persuaded her to make the journey??   What did they say to God?   If it had been me I would have been moaning long and loud about the timing of this census and why couldn't the baby have arrived a week earlier etc etc etc     And how terrified must they have been of the repercussions from Rome that they didnt just decide to show up late for the census or chance missing it altogether.

Luke doesnt say much about the arrival at Bethlehem and the no room at the inn thing.  But we know that Jesus was born in a stable - which was likely to have actually been the spare room of someones house which    was housed in a sort of gallery arrangement over the place where the livestock was kept.   This would have been the warmest room in the house. Not terribly fragrant possibly.... :-)    And it might have had food troughs built into the floor or walls which would have made an idea bed for the baby.

You cant take much with you on a donkey.  No Pampers.  No suitcase full of baby gros.  just a change of clothes for the adults probably.  There is not likely to have been a midwife in attendance - although with Bethlehem being packed out there were probably experienced women about who would have lent a hand.
No sisters or mother there to offer moral support.  Just Mary in a strange place with her not yet husband going through the most terrifying process known to womankind.  No drugs.  No epidural.  No doctors on hand if things went wrong.    She will have been exhausted from the travelling which probably brought the labour on.  Who knows how long she had to labour for.   First babies can take two days of pain and  pushing and grunting to get out.   Poor Mary.

I wonder if Jesus made it onto the census.  I wonder if Joseph went to put his name down before or after the baby was born.

Theres much more to think about in these well trodden Bible paths if we just take a moment to try to imagine ourselves there.

Lord, this Christmas help me to pause for a while to really really think about what happened all those years ago.   About the hardship and sacrifice endured by Mary and Joseph as they brought you into this world.  Of the truly difficult and humble beginning you had.  Let us not glaze over as we hear the stories and sing the carols again.   But impress us with new understanding, show us new truth.  Speak in new ways. So that this Christmas we can say we have seen more of You.   Amen

Dec 20th

This is a poem written by a poet friend of mine - Tony.   He wouldnt call himself a Christian but his wife is and he thinks long and hard about matters of faith.   I love this view of the birth of Jesus

Nativity

The hard and beaten earthen floor,
Spread with the dry fodder of kine,
Had to form your natal bed.
The only place you could recline.

And as your body tensed with pain,                                  
In anguish and in mortal fear,
Your mother was your only wish;
But all you had was one man near.  

The man himself a frightened soul
Who helped as you laboured in birth,
Nervous of the mess and blood
That stained the floor of beaten earth.                    

He held the wet and bl**dy child.
You waited for the babe to cry
And when it did you felt relief,
Undid your raiment with a sigh.

The man then placed the infant child
Against your heavy well filled breast
And wrapped your clothing over you
And told you that you needed rest.

In the squalor of that place
You felt despair and so alone.
You wept and wondered why it was
This had to happen far from home.

You would have wept more bitter tears
If you had known in future years
The babe you held against your breast
Would only live for thirty years.

The strangest thing about this tale,
A fact that I find very odd
Is that the birth and death described  
Is counted as a gift from God.

When I asked Tony if I could share this he was a little surprised because he thought I might be offended by the last verse.   But I am not at all.   I agree that if you look at the life of Jesus it hardly seems like a gift from God.  It seems cruel of Him to subject His own son to a birth, life and death like this.   It makes God a cold sadistic father doesnt it? 

Well, only if God demands this from His son.  If Jesus has no choice in the matter then yes, God is mean.  But thats not what the Bible tells us.

¹⁷ “The Father loves me because I am willing to give up my life, in order that I may receive it back again. ¹⁸ No one takes my life away from me. I give it up of my own free will. I have the right to give it up, and I have the right to take it back.  ( John 10) 

Jesus is not coerced by God into this plan for salvation.  He is a willing volunteer.   He gladly leaves the throneroom of heaven to be born in a stable and to live in obscurity for 30 years and then die a gruesome death.  He does it because He knows it is the only way to buy mankind out of the mess they have got themselves into.  He does it because He loves His Father and sees the heartbreak God experiences when His creation is far from Him.   He does it because He knows and loves every single one of us.   It is a willing sacrifice.  And therefore it truly is a gift.


Lord, thank you that it was all for love.  A willing sacrifice.  An amazing truth. May we grasp it more profoundly this Christmas
Amen

Depression and the Road Back Dec 19th

Yesterday Ben ( 7) said something about me being a happy person.  Which was very nice to hear.  But it took me right back to last Christmas when I have a very distinct memory of all three boys sitting round the kitchen table one mealtime asking me why I never smiled and why I was always sad.

They were right - I was always sad and last Christmas I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed.  I was in a very bad place.    It had been a slow slide quite probably going all the way back to Sam being born in 2001.   I certainly found having three babies in five years very difficult.  I hated being pregnant and was very probably postnatally depressed after each birth.  I was unslept for five years solid.  Which is seriously not good for ones mental health.  Keith and I were distant.  My friends were mostly in England and the two friends I had over here moved away so I was very isolated.   Most of 2011 was spent just hanging on by the fingernails.   By the end of last year I had spent six months wondering how I could kill myself and not traumatise my kids.   I was very angry all the time and the anger came out at the kids and Keith   I took up running in an attempt to get some exercise - but I hated it and it seemed to have no effect on my mood at all despite the fact that at the height of my active phase I was running three miles a day.

 Things finally came to a head in November and I went to the doctor.  He listened and understood and told me that I might not, in fact, be a nutcase, but that I might be menopausal or pre menopausal.   He told me that my symptoms were totally consistent with being depressed and presecribed anti depressants.    I felt ten tonnes lighter walking out of the surgery.   Just having someone listen and understand and be helpful was SUCH a relief.

I started taking the pills.  And I started to feel better.  Bit by bit.

Its funny cos you dont really realise how bad things have got until they start to get better.  I had thought I was coping, more or less.  But once the pills started to kick in I could see that for a long time I had not been able to live in the present.  I was constantly reviewing my past and asking myself - did I make a mistake?  Should I have got married, moved to Ireland, had kids, given up work etc etc etc.   Or if I wasnt in the past I was way into the future.  Wondering how I was going to make it through till the kids leave school, till Keith retires, etc etc.  How was I going to face twenty years of housework.  A lifetime of feeling lonely ?  And so it went on in my head. Day after day.   Only when the pills started to take effect and I came back into the present again was I able to see what had been happening so slowly over a long period of time.

Ive been taking the pills every day for a year now.  And Im still seeing improvements in my mental health.  So are my kids. :-)  hence the delight at Ben commenting today that I am a happy Mummy.
My circumstances havent changed.  I still hate housework and still fear the next twenty years of my life might be spent picking up socks.   I still feel isolated with most of my best friends being hundreds of miles away.   I still wonder what its all about some days.   But in my head I have regained perspective.  There are now good days.  I am not constantly stressed and it has been months since Ive had a headache because Ive spent all day with my teeth gritted.  Ive found hope again

Now, I have to also stress that throughout the past year, people who know have been praying.   Not many people have known..... but there has been prayer and there has been concern and support.   Its strange, because despite being depressed I never lost my belief that God was there.  He never stopped speaking to me and I didnt stop praying for other people and doing all the God things I usually do.  I just couldnt really believe that He was going to change anything for me.  I was blind to any possibility of change for  me.   For anyone else - no problem.  Just not for me.

Depression is a lie.  It gets into your head and tells you lies.  You cant help but listen - and the more you listen the worse the lies get.  Downwards spiral.  Eventually the lies tell you the world will be better off without you.  And you believe it.

I felt strongly today that I had to share this story on the blog.  It has nothing to do with Advent - except of course that it does.   Because 2000 years ago there was no possibility of change, no hope of salvation.......but God broke in.  He did something practical - rolled up His sleeves and came down.  Changed everything.

If you are feeling depressed I strongly strongly urge you to get to a doctor and talk it through.  You will not be laughed out of the surgery.  You will not be wasting anyones time.  It takes guts and most people are at the very bottom before they pluck up the courage.  Medication is not a cure all.   It doesn't solve real problems.   But in my experience it can really help to restore balance and get the problems into some sort of perspective.  And tell someone.  Talk about it.   I have been amazed this past year as I have started to share all of this how many people have quietly confessed that they too have been struggling.  Really struggling.   And just talking about it and knowing you are not alone really helps.

Dear Lord,
Christmas can be a very tough time.  A lonely and sad time.  A difficult time for relationships.  A financially crippling time.  Thank you that You care.  Thank you for medicines which can help restore the balance when our brains have become overwhelmed.  Thank you for doctors and friends and ministers and therapists who will listen to us and support us as we struggle with depression.  I ask that You would bless every person reading this with mental health and spiritual wellbeing.  Help us to be more willing to ask for help than we are to listen to lies.   Amen

Dec 18th

Im not very well prepared.   For Christmas.  For Sunday when Im leading the worship at the family/nativity/christmas service.  For tomorrow teatime.  For anything really.   Not very well prepared.

Sometimes spontaneity is wonderful and productive and anointed.  But mostly it pays to be ready, rehearsed, on the ball.  Mostly the better prepared we are the better we shall do at whatever task we are attempting.
Im constantly nagging at Sam to make sure he has all the right books with him for school. the right homework done, the right sports kit....... not because I enjoy being a nag ( honestly I don't!!)  but because I want his life to be as hassle free as possible.  And going to school without the right stuff leads to stress and trouble and tears.

John the Baptist was sent to ' nag' the world into getting ready.  The New Testament writers refer to the fact that he was prophesied in the Old Testament

Luke 3:4-5, "As it is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. Every valley shall be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be brought low; and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough ways shall be made smooth."  

Why did the world need to get ready and what did it need to do?
Well Jesus was coming.  And the sins of the people were going to stop them from being able to recognise Him as the Messiah when He came.   People were wearing dark glasses - glasses of greed and envy and malice and pride, of adultery and theft and murder and hatred.  They were not going to be able to see clearly enough unless they repented of their sins and took off those lenses.

 Hebrews 12:14 tells us, "...holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord."

And it is the same today as it was 2000 years ago.  People still cant see Jesus.  And the answer is the same now as it was then.   Repent. Give up your sinful ways.  Say no to living your own life by your own rules...... its not getting you anywhere.  Leave that life down.  Bury it in the waters of baptism.  And when you have set it down take another look at Jesus.  You will find you can suddenly see Him for who He really is - the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world  


Lord, this Christmas I want to see past the tinsel and the mince pies and the presents.  I want to see You.
Prepare me Lord.  Bring down the mountains, raise up the valleys, make straight the crooked places so that You can come easily in.  Help me to set down each and every filter and dark lense which would obscure my view.  Fill my vision Lord.   Amen