Depression and the Road Back Dec 19th

Yesterday Ben ( 7) said something about me being a happy person.  Which was very nice to hear.  But it took me right back to last Christmas when I have a very distinct memory of all three boys sitting round the kitchen table one mealtime asking me why I never smiled and why I was always sad.

They were right - I was always sad and last Christmas I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed.  I was in a very bad place.    It had been a slow slide quite probably going all the way back to Sam being born in 2001.   I certainly found having three babies in five years very difficult.  I hated being pregnant and was very probably postnatally depressed after each birth.  I was unslept for five years solid.  Which is seriously not good for ones mental health.  Keith and I were distant.  My friends were mostly in England and the two friends I had over here moved away so I was very isolated.   Most of 2011 was spent just hanging on by the fingernails.   By the end of last year I had spent six months wondering how I could kill myself and not traumatise my kids.   I was very angry all the time and the anger came out at the kids and Keith   I took up running in an attempt to get some exercise - but I hated it and it seemed to have no effect on my mood at all despite the fact that at the height of my active phase I was running three miles a day.

 Things finally came to a head in November and I went to the doctor.  He listened and understood and told me that I might not, in fact, be a nutcase, but that I might be menopausal or pre menopausal.   He told me that my symptoms were totally consistent with being depressed and presecribed anti depressants.    I felt ten tonnes lighter walking out of the surgery.   Just having someone listen and understand and be helpful was SUCH a relief.

I started taking the pills.  And I started to feel better.  Bit by bit.

Its funny cos you dont really realise how bad things have got until they start to get better.  I had thought I was coping, more or less.  But once the pills started to kick in I could see that for a long time I had not been able to live in the present.  I was constantly reviewing my past and asking myself - did I make a mistake?  Should I have got married, moved to Ireland, had kids, given up work etc etc etc.   Or if I wasnt in the past I was way into the future.  Wondering how I was going to make it through till the kids leave school, till Keith retires, etc etc.  How was I going to face twenty years of housework.  A lifetime of feeling lonely ?  And so it went on in my head. Day after day.   Only when the pills started to take effect and I came back into the present again was I able to see what had been happening so slowly over a long period of time.

Ive been taking the pills every day for a year now.  And Im still seeing improvements in my mental health.  So are my kids. :-)  hence the delight at Ben commenting today that I am a happy Mummy.
My circumstances havent changed.  I still hate housework and still fear the next twenty years of my life might be spent picking up socks.   I still feel isolated with most of my best friends being hundreds of miles away.   I still wonder what its all about some days.   But in my head I have regained perspective.  There are now good days.  I am not constantly stressed and it has been months since Ive had a headache because Ive spent all day with my teeth gritted.  Ive found hope again

Now, I have to also stress that throughout the past year, people who know have been praying.   Not many people have known..... but there has been prayer and there has been concern and support.   Its strange, because despite being depressed I never lost my belief that God was there.  He never stopped speaking to me and I didnt stop praying for other people and doing all the God things I usually do.  I just couldnt really believe that He was going to change anything for me.  I was blind to any possibility of change for  me.   For anyone else - no problem.  Just not for me.

Depression is a lie.  It gets into your head and tells you lies.  You cant help but listen - and the more you listen the worse the lies get.  Downwards spiral.  Eventually the lies tell you the world will be better off without you.  And you believe it.

I felt strongly today that I had to share this story on the blog.  It has nothing to do with Advent - except of course that it does.   Because 2000 years ago there was no possibility of change, no hope of salvation.......but God broke in.  He did something practical - rolled up His sleeves and came down.  Changed everything.

If you are feeling depressed I strongly strongly urge you to get to a doctor and talk it through.  You will not be laughed out of the surgery.  You will not be wasting anyones time.  It takes guts and most people are at the very bottom before they pluck up the courage.  Medication is not a cure all.   It doesn't solve real problems.   But in my experience it can really help to restore balance and get the problems into some sort of perspective.  And tell someone.  Talk about it.   I have been amazed this past year as I have started to share all of this how many people have quietly confessed that they too have been struggling.  Really struggling.   And just talking about it and knowing you are not alone really helps.

Dear Lord,
Christmas can be a very tough time.  A lonely and sad time.  A difficult time for relationships.  A financially crippling time.  Thank you that You care.  Thank you for medicines which can help restore the balance when our brains have become overwhelmed.  Thank you for doctors and friends and ministers and therapists who will listen to us and support us as we struggle with depression.  I ask that You would bless every person reading this with mental health and spiritual wellbeing.  Help us to be more willing to ask for help than we are to listen to lies.   Amen